Today begins day one of cycle two, something I was bleakly hyperaware of as I scurried through the Tom Thumb self-checkout with $50 worth of super-plus tampons and Barefoot moscato. I’m of course upset, but I’m somehow not as upset as I thought I’d be. Because we won’t be trying to conceive in April in order to avoid a Christmas baby, I have about 31 days to drink all the wine and coffee I want. Minh (I think) is going to cut back on drinking and vaping in order to improve his sperm, because it takes three months for sperm to fully form and mature and stuff.

I think it’s funny how ten or fifteen years from now, my son/daughter may be reading this and will just laugh, because of course cycle one didn’t work out — it won’t work out for another three/five/ten cycles! It will be so obvious in ten years! But right now, it’s frustrating and scary to not know how things play out.

But tonight, I’m okay. I don’t have to worry yet. I don’t have to worry about whether or not this cycle will work out or if my baby is healthy. It didn’t work out. There is no baby. Those are the answers. I may not have a baby, but for now, at least I have answers. It’s a relief to know for sure that we have to wait a little longer.

By the time we conceive (no matter when that is), I’ll definitely have three months’ worth of folic acid and DHA and omega-3s in my system. And we won’t have a Christmas baby. So it’s okay.

Minh said that if June doesn’t work out (which would probably be cycle four), he’s willing to go to a urologist in July. So I rescheduled my reproductive endocrinologist appointment for the end of June, just to give ourselves some more time to try.

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